Thank goodness for my girl. She came through for me. And she was so brave

Going to the aunts. Can't believe I was fool enough to stay for over a week I am going to go crazy.

ack. i didn't even realize that gail falkner had a new book out. /well, a couple months ago/
and YEA, it was at Amazon, and i was able to download it to my iphone without having to go through the whole rig-a-marole of downloading it in one format, changing the format, uploading it to ereader.com, then FINALLY downloading it to my iphone.
THIS time, all i had to do, was download it straight from amazon. It goes right into my kindle app, keeps everything nice and neat and easy to find.  :D happy happy...off i go to get all hot and bothered, and wishing i had such an alpha man (he, and the patience to put up with him)
hehehe :D

once again. i'm hoping to start blogging like i used to. lol. ok. so really, i just want a place to whine.

fuck

omg. omg omg omg
i am so screwed. and i don't know what i'm going to do.
i am so fucking stupid.
again.
again and again and again
it seems like i just can't get over the stupid. i'm always fucking living in a fantasy world. what the fuck am i going to do/

i thought i got a fucking bonus from work. stupid ass me.
and it was my fucking paycheck! only part of it, because of a what they call a 'mandatory shut down'
/which in MY Mind, was xmas break!/

so what i thought was a bonus. and has already been used for bounced checks. turns out to havbe been my pay and now it's the first of the month with a 900 dollar mortgage payment and i have 50 bucks in the bank.
thinking i would have 500 at the first of the month.

omg. what the hell am i going to do?

there's no one i can go to to borrow the money. and i already owe everyone i know!! FUCK FUCK FUCK.
and they wonder why i';m depressed and want to kill myself.

jesus god but i thought you were suppose to help me help myself?

what a fuckin crock.

sucide opinion

you know. 'Everyone' says that committing suicide is terrible, to think about the people you leave behind, etc, etc...and me...
I say BULLSHIT!

How Can You POSSIBLY say it's selfish of the person committing suicide, when THEY are the ones in pain! THEY are the ones at the end of their rope! THEY are the ones suffering!
YOU are going along your little life, living it as you see fit, MAYBE thinking that the 'suicider' is down, a little depressed, they can get through whatever emotional problem they have, or not even Noticing that the person is terribly depressed!

hell. i've been hiding depression from my family my whole fuckin' life! NO ONE takes me seriously, or even NOTICES, except to say... "You feelin' a little down today, sweetie?"

HA! yeh, a little down.

assholes.

I am still so depressed. I can not seem to comprehene that he is gone.